I consider myself to be someone who is normally pretty much on target when it comes to my diabetes. I manage to walk the fine line between paying close attention and obsession on a daily basis with relative ease, which helps me to achieve reasonable control of this confusing and sometimes almost comical condition. I have done this for 24 years now and it almost seems normal to me. As normal as type one diabetes can be anyway!
I haven't been sectioned yet (I must stress the word 'yet', it can't be far off these days), despite the constant calculations, second-guessing and sometimes sheer frustration that diabetes can throw at you, especially when it feels like Freddie Flintoff has just bowled a 90 mile an hourer at you while someone else distracts you with a giant Krispy Kreme. I am not someone who claims to have 'perfect' control, whatever that really is is. And I am not someone who says control is easy - because frankly - those people drive me crazy. Either they are lying or they are very, very, very, VERY lucky. I am not sure which of those I prefer to believe, but part of me hopes they are just lying. At least that way I may not be perfect, but my honesty is something I can be proud of, even if it means admitting that sometimes I get it wrong. Very, very wrong.
I have rambled on in the past about how I can have a bit of a Jeckyl and Hyde thing going on at times and unfortunately this week was one of those weeks. More so than ever. I have been managing blood sugar swings I imagine similar to that of an out of control sugar-crazed Oompa Loompa at Mister Wonkas factory. Before I went onto an insulin pump, I could see blood sugar swings in any one day ranging from 2 mmol to 32 mmol and spent most of my time terrified of the blood glucose meter. I would never know what it was going to tell me. Occasionally it would be in range, sometimes it was spot on but most of the time it would be wildly uncontrolled. Leaving me emotionally drained, frustrated beyond belief and scared of my future.
As soon as I started on the pump things got a whole lot better. Blood tests became more predictable and a whole lot less scary. For the first time I was able to expect more from my control and diabetes became something I could understand more clearly and dare I say it, embrace.
Over the last week, there have certainly been a few moments when I could have punched my pancreas in the imaginary head or stamped on my pump. Don't get me wrong, my pump is still doing just what I ask it to and I know that despite being a lazy-ass semi-useless organ only one step up from an appendix, too much time has gone by for me to really blame my pancreas anymore. I can admit that I'm still moderately bitter seeing as I didn't do anything to warrant it going on an extended holiday, but what's the point now, other than having the odd moment of blame?
Whatever the cause, I have decided to just unplug for a couple of days. I love my pump, and I love the freedom and quality or life it has given me. But 'it' isn't nice; it is not attractive or even easy to live with. It took a lot of adjusting to and there are moments when I tug in the wire or notice it protruding from under my clothing when I am reminded of just how much it takes to be prepared to do this forever. So when things are all up the shoot and I have no idea why, I feel the need to give myself a day off.
I know that when I am off the pump, I need to follow a much stricter low carb diet, have to keep a closer eye and that it is only a matter of 48 hours before I am desperate to get back on it again, because my sugars will have gone from bad to worse. But in my experience, sometimes you need a little reminder of why you reached this decision in the first place. I will be glad to get that tubey robot back plugged back in after two days, so maybe that is what this little episode is all about; learning to love my pump again.
Anyway, I will post again in a few days when I have no doubt thrown my testing kit at the wall [again] and will be gasping to get off the injections and back on the pumping way of life.
God knows I need a reminder of why at the moment!
Anna - tubeless for the first time in 11 months.