I used to be someone who was grateful if they just had one sugar under 10 per day or sometimes, per week. I remember days of waking up with sugars of 21 and knowing that today would be another day lost to a disease I couldn't control. I remember spending those days gulping my hours away on endless cups of water, diet coke and sugar free juice, because no matter how many gallons I swallowed, barely allowing it to touch the sides of my mouth, I would still be thirsty. I remember being tired, sluggish, emotional and feeling guilty. Guilty about the fact I wasn't doing it 'right'. Guilty that I was risking having complications, even though I was trying as hard as I could. Any diabetic knows that if you run high for a couple of days, you feel too tired to muster the strength to go for a walk, or even stay awake. Imagine that for two weeks, two months, or for some people, 2 years.
Each day since I have been on the pump, my sugars have improved. Steadily and slowly, but surely. The first week was a nightmare. More hypos than I could shake a carton of juice at and more highs that I could face without the guilt and worry creeping back in. But then, week 2 saw the era of the magic number 7. Throughout the morning I would be seven. Throughout the afternoon, I would still have high sugars, but over time these too have subsided. I now have not had a hypo for 2 weeks and I haven't had a sugar near the twenties for 4 days. Instead of praying for sugars under 10, I am now surprised when they nudge their way over. And most of those ones that are creeping up are admittedly down to my own miscalculation or under-bolusing. Not that even that is my fault. After all, I'm not a mind- (or body-) reader. I'm still mostly human, apart from the robot attached to my hip.
But the main thing is I am now, for the first time in as long as I can remember, starting to strive to have every sugar below 10mmol. I have gone from having 66% of my sugars in the 'red' according to my glucose software. Now I am hitting my target or below 58% of the time. It's not perfect yet, but in the past 3 days, I have not even approached 15. Something that seemed to come naturally for many years. Each day I nudge my way down that little bit further. Today, I was 10 when I woke up, and that has been the highest. I've had 6's, 8's and 5's, but no twenties. And I try to remind myself whenever Mr Hyde tries to nudge those sugars up, that it's only been three weeks.
There is still a long way to go, but being able to test my sugar and know that a ten is now the higher end of the scale rather than the ray of light it once was, makes me feel hopeful and perhaps most importantly - more in control. Eventually I aim to be at 6 as often as possible. But for now, I'll be happy to take anything under 10. The 6's will come, of that I'm sure. But baby steps suit me just fine.