When you read some of the blogs out there you wonder if anyone, anywhere, has ever, even once, had a blood sugar over ten. You wouldn't be wrong to think so, at least, not if you take people on their word. There are many many blogs out there, but I can only connect with a handful, for that exact reason. These are the ones that say it how it is. That today, something changed, and it all went kaput! When I read comments all about how "I like never to go above ten", or "my sugars soared up to the early teens", I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach. The guilt creeps in and I lose hope that anyone out there has ever had the same experience as me. Have they ever felt so tired they could fall asleep at their desk? And not because they had a night on the tiles, or because they stayed up until 4am watching films. But simply because they are diabetic. And if you have diabetes which is anything like mine, it sometimes just happens!
Since I started my blog only a few weeks ago, I have found myself talking a great deal about all the good points. The pump and the sophisticated settings which claim will eventually make my life a bit easier. The CGM and the hope that one day we, as a whole portion of society, might only have to inject ourselves a couple of times a week and blood test even less. I have talked about how we must spread the message that we are not at fault, and even how your breasts finally have a purpose (other than the obvious) - they make a great hiding place for the pump.
On looking back, I have failed to mention some of the pains in the backside I have faced. This wasn't intentional, but I think when you write something that people may read, it can be easy to highlight all the good points, the mood-boosting things and the sometimes clinging at straws anecdotes. This is because that's the bit that people want to hear. But what can become lost along the way, is when you get frustrated and when no matter how hard you try, 2 + 2 make 21 (mmol).
So the rest of this post is about my experience today. A day when that diabetic tantrum (not mine, but the disease's) reared it's grouchy head and yelled its way through my afternoon, with a vengeance!
Today had all the makings of a perfect day.
Great nights sleep - good start
First sugar of the day - 5.2, "Ok, feeling pretty good about that"
Post breakfast sugar - 8.7 - "Oh yes! Carb counted correctly - good girl"
End of the morning - 6.2 - "Damn! I'm getting good at this!"
Just to check - 5.8 - "I could write the diabetes manual with these babies!"
Before lunch - 4.6 - "Ok, I'm drifting down, but that's fine, just means I get a to eat lunch now"
And then this
19.9! Achieved somehow without even the slightest of effort. I can quite easily manage that, if I pick, snack or have an impromptu meal (as I often do).
It's moments like these that I suspect some people don't write about. Maybe because there is an element of public embarrassment. I mean, the blogs I read are all about inspiring me, about making me feel strong and connected. When everyone else is 'stable', you don't want to advertise numbers like these. But you know what, these happen to me all the time. I'm back down now, under ten, where I 'like' to be. But like doesn't mean 'always am'. Something I don't think always comes across when you focus on only the good bits. It will happen again, and again, and guess what, again. As long as I'm diabetic, Mr Hyde will always find a way to creep in.
I know that I did something different today but I'm loathed to use the word 'wrong'. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth seeing as 'right' would be not being diabetic. There is no right and wrong with this disease. Some of us will go on to have complications, some will not. Some people will find good control just by staying positive and putting the minimum in, some will fight against high sugars on a daily basis (I am definitely in the latter camp!). So you know what, if I get sugars like this but I am trying my best, striving as much as I can and finding my way back down again at some point, I'm not going to let it get to me. It may do momentarily, but any more than a couple of minutes spent regretting any decision I made, is a couple of minutes longer than this disease should take from me.
So tomorrow I'll start again. If it starts as well as today, then I'm on to a winner. If it goes the same way as today, I'll have another think and try something different.
That's just the name of this 'game'.
Is honesty the best policy? Yes, even if it means admitting you got it wro...... I mean, when you did something different.